1 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:47,880 There's never been a better time to be a single man in England. 2 00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:50,459 You should be arrested for saying that in a time of war. 3 00:00:50,460 --> 00:00:54,080 What war? Oh, Bert, the war. The World War. 4 00:00:54,100 --> 00:00:55,740 It's the First World War. 5 00:00:55,900 --> 00:00:57,660 Got it. I hear that mentioned a lot actually. 6 00:00:57,820 --> 00:00:59,200 It's very much news. 7 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:01,720 What goes somewhat unreported is the very good female-to-male 8 00:01:01,738 --> 00:01:03,257 ratio in the country at the moment. 9 00:01:03,258 --> 00:01:05,497 Whoever this war turns out to be against... Germany. 10 00:01:05,498 --> 00:01:08,358 For example, it gets the thumbs up from me. 11 00:01:12,998 --> 00:01:14,617 Hello, boys! Oh, no. 12 00:01:14,618 --> 00:01:17,438 Here they are, looking nervous. "Ooooh, pick me! Pick me!" 13 00:01:17,458 --> 00:01:19,258 Who will Bert choose in the end? 14 00:01:20,858 --> 00:01:22,138 Still here then? 15 00:01:22,218 --> 00:01:25,338 Rather than participating in the murder of our fellow human beings, you mean? 16 00:01:25,478 --> 00:01:28,378 Good idea, George, kick the hornet's nest! What's going on here then? 17 00:01:28,538 --> 00:01:31,897 We're voting to decide who should be the Guy we burn on Bonfire Night. 18 00:01:31,898 --> 00:01:33,498 Oh, look how well I'm doing. 19 00:01:33,638 --> 00:01:34,917 Don't get too excited, Bert. 20 00:01:34,918 --> 00:01:37,637 They're essentially voting for the most hated man in the village. 21 00:01:37,638 --> 00:01:40,197 Right. Why am I on the same number of votes as these two? 22 00:01:40,198 --> 00:01:41,618 I went to sign up. 23 00:01:41,818 --> 00:01:46,117 Oh, so you're in the army then? Sorry, how's the battle going? 24 00:01:46,118 --> 00:01:47,338 What's the grub like in mess? 25 00:01:47,418 --> 00:01:50,597 Yes, Nellie, as we've discussed perhaps 15-to-25 times, 26 00:01:50,598 --> 00:01:52,518 I was turned down because of my flat feet. 27 00:01:52,698 --> 00:01:55,058 Bollocks. Twat feet more like. Feet are flat. Paddle feet. 28 00:01:55,238 --> 00:01:56,518 Mature response as ever. 29 00:01:56,578 --> 00:01:58,538 You were pretty quick to move in with your two lover boys. 30 00:01:58,598 --> 00:02:01,258 Because my so-called sister here got me kicked out of the family house. 31 00:02:01,318 --> 00:02:03,077 Nobody got you kicked out, Cecil. 32 00:02:03,078 --> 00:02:06,297 Mum and I just assumed that since you'd be going to war, we could clear your room. 33 00:02:06,298 --> 00:02:08,618 And move all your stuff out of it and put it in the street, 34 00:02:08,678 --> 00:02:11,178 and get rid of your bed and hold a cleansing ceremony in which 35 00:02:11,238 --> 00:02:13,758 all of your personal effects were thrown into the sea. That's all. 36 00:02:13,798 --> 00:02:15,097 Well, it's persecution. 37 00:02:15,098 --> 00:02:16,997 I believe in this war and I want to help. 38 00:02:16,998 --> 00:02:17,977 Rubbish. 39 00:02:17,978 --> 00:02:19,398 If you were really keen to help, 40 00:02:19,578 --> 00:02:21,657 you'd have killed yourself to raise morale. 41 00:02:21,658 --> 00:02:25,637 Or you could join that... and darn socks. We'd respect you then. 42 00:02:25,638 --> 00:02:27,098 Don't go overboard, Nellie. 43 00:02:27,258 --> 00:02:31,398 Sorry, not respect. Less enthusiastically despise. 44 00:02:37,798 --> 00:02:38,758 Whoops. 45 00:02:41,338 --> 00:02:44,377 Dear God, a knitting club? 46 00:02:44,378 --> 00:02:47,237 Why don't I shave my legs and do the laundry while I'm at it? 47 00:02:47,238 --> 00:02:48,618 Feel free to do some of the laundry. 48 00:02:48,678 --> 00:02:50,437 I just wish Rittle had a bomb factory. 49 00:02:50,438 --> 00:02:52,538 But no, the bomb factory goes to the village of Frew, 50 00:02:52,678 --> 00:02:54,458 because they've done so much to deserve it! 51 00:02:54,538 --> 00:02:55,717 Ooooh, love Frew. 52 00:02:55,718 --> 00:02:57,018 What do you mean, you love Frew? 53 00:02:57,158 --> 00:02:59,238 Lovely pub. That's a myth, by the way. 54 00:02:59,358 --> 00:03:00,697 It's a poor man's Frog and Pea. 55 00:03:00,698 --> 00:03:02,458 Very peaceful. Exactly. 56 00:03:02,618 --> 00:03:04,377 Pensioners... go there to die. 57 00:03:04,378 --> 00:03:05,638 Wouldn't mind dying there. 58 00:03:05,798 --> 00:03:07,258 Wouldn't be protesting too loudly 59 00:03:07,398 --> 00:03:09,498 if I expired suddenly in the Frew Tea Rooms. 60 00:03:09,638 --> 00:03:13,157 Overlooking Parson's Hill? Oh, yes, it's a terrible demise. 61 00:03:13,158 --> 00:03:15,577 You wouldn't really want to produce bombs, would you, Cecil? 62 00:03:15,578 --> 00:03:16,997 Oh, come on. 63 00:03:16,998 --> 00:03:18,858 Even as a pacifist, I think you have to admit these 64 00:03:18,918 --> 00:03:21,177 bombs are pretty amazing. They showed in tests, 65 00:03:21,178 --> 00:03:23,738 one bomb can tear through about seven cows. 66 00:03:23,878 --> 00:03:25,758 That's not amazing, and they sound like a terrible sort of test. 67 00:03:25,818 --> 00:03:27,557 Can you watch the tests? No, Bert. 68 00:03:27,558 --> 00:03:28,858 OK, better idea then. 69 00:03:28,898 --> 00:03:30,617 The three of us go on a bike ride to Frew. 70 00:03:30,618 --> 00:03:33,298 I feel like Frew is getting more of a mention now than it should. 71 00:03:33,478 --> 00:03:35,097 I mean, it is honestly fairly shit. 72 00:03:35,098 --> 00:03:37,978 Ahh, I can't do this. 73 00:03:38,138 --> 00:03:39,258 Will you help me, George? 74 00:03:39,338 --> 00:03:40,838 Go on, run to your master. 75 00:03:41,978 --> 00:03:43,897 Was that a distress signal from the HMS Fiancee? 76 00:03:43,898 --> 00:03:45,658 Is a rescue dinghy required? 77 00:03:54,458 --> 00:03:57,157 I'm doing this scheme where single women... Hm. 78 00:03:57,158 --> 00:03:58,959 Write romantic letters to men at the front. 79 00:03:59,098 --> 00:04:01,958 It keeps their morale up, hearing from a young lady wishing them well. 80 00:04:02,138 --> 00:04:03,257 Errr, interesting. 81 00:04:03,258 --> 00:04:06,778 Umm, the thing is, I don't want to be Barnaby Boring, 82 00:04:06,938 --> 00:04:09,317 but should you be involved in a scheme like that, 83 00:04:09,318 --> 00:04:11,418 given that we're...? 84 00:04:12,998 --> 00:04:14,438 You know... 85 00:04:14,518 --> 00:04:16,037 Not married yet. 86 00:04:16,038 --> 00:04:17,958 Yeah, engaged to be married. 87 00:04:18,018 --> 00:04:20,197 Weird way of putting it. Well, I did wonder about that, 88 00:04:20,198 --> 00:04:22,758 but Agnes said that it's our duty, as single women... 89 00:04:22,838 --> 00:04:23,718 There it is again. 90 00:04:23,878 --> 00:04:26,458 To motivate the men at the front by arousing them sexually. 91 00:04:27,878 --> 00:04:29,778 Now are you going to help me do that or not? 92 00:04:29,938 --> 00:04:32,758 Um, the thing is, Winky, I just sort of feel like this is 93 00:04:32,818 --> 00:04:35,098 the kind of thing that other men wouldn't do. 94 00:04:35,158 --> 00:04:37,158 Well, George, you shouldn't be led by other people. 95 00:04:37,238 --> 00:04:40,378 You should follow your own heart. 96 00:04:40,458 --> 00:04:42,758 I also don't want to do it. 97 00:04:52,358 --> 00:04:55,137 What's happened here? Is it under new management or something? 98 00:04:55,138 --> 00:04:57,337 Barney's daughter's taken it over while he's in France. 99 00:04:57,338 --> 00:04:59,218 Oh, is he on holiday? No, Bert, the war... 100 00:04:59,418 --> 00:05:01,818 The war, the war, I know. 101 00:05:01,978 --> 00:05:03,738 I think that's probably enough now, darling. 102 00:05:03,798 --> 00:05:06,078 George, have you talked about Winky's bottom because it will be 103 00:05:06,118 --> 00:05:08,357 a glaring omission if you fail to bring that up? Bert! 104 00:05:08,358 --> 00:05:09,798 I'm paying her a compliment, George. 105 00:05:09,878 --> 00:05:11,557 If I had a girlfriend with an arse like that, 106 00:05:11,558 --> 00:05:13,498 I'd be preaching about it in the town square. 107 00:05:13,578 --> 00:05:15,018 You're not offended, are you, Winky? 108 00:05:15,098 --> 00:05:17,978 No. I think it's kind of you to notice. 109 00:05:18,758 --> 00:05:21,017 Besides which, I am trying to keep this letter on track. 110 00:05:21,018 --> 00:05:23,257 I mean this man is in a war remember. 111 00:05:23,258 --> 00:05:26,058 Nothing but the most gruesome sexual imagery is gonna make an impact. 112 00:05:26,118 --> 00:05:28,057 Yeah, alright, Bert. And I tell you something else, 113 00:05:28,058 --> 00:05:29,658 this new dress is electrifying. 114 00:05:29,798 --> 00:05:31,798 What do you find attractive about my body, Winky? 115 00:05:31,858 --> 00:05:34,758 How is that to do with the letter? That is literally just flirting. 116 00:05:34,938 --> 00:05:36,678 It's not a bloody free-for-all, Bert. 117 00:05:38,298 --> 00:05:40,218 Bless you, Cecil! 118 00:05:42,898 --> 00:05:44,198 Cecil! 119 00:05:45,798 --> 00:05:47,078 Cecilia! 120 00:05:52,838 --> 00:05:55,417 What is it? What do you want? 121 00:05:55,418 --> 00:05:56,698 Nice sash. 122 00:05:56,778 --> 00:05:58,457 Is that it? Can I go now? 123 00:05:58,458 --> 00:05:59,738 I can't be seen talking to you. 124 00:06:00,038 --> 00:06:01,658 Why? Why do you think? 125 00:06:02,618 --> 00:06:05,938 Bert, people are sacrificing their lives and you've chosen not to. 126 00:06:06,278 --> 00:06:09,337 Right. God. Cryptic. Oh, is it because...? 127 00:06:09,338 --> 00:06:11,717 No, Bert, that is the reason, what I've just said. 128 00:06:11,718 --> 00:06:14,058 I get it. Your new friends don't like the cut of our jib. 129 00:06:14,098 --> 00:06:16,837 Well, I know I can count on you to stand by us, Cecil. 130 00:06:16,838 --> 00:06:18,399 Of course I'm not standing by you, Bert. 131 00:06:18,458 --> 00:06:20,278 Not while I'm trying to establish myself in the needlework guild. 132 00:06:20,338 --> 00:06:23,078 Oh, suddenly it's the "needlework guild." 133 00:06:23,238 --> 00:06:25,497 That's its name, Bert, I didn't make up the name. 134 00:06:25,498 --> 00:06:27,737 What happened to calling it Freak Corner? 135 00:06:27,738 --> 00:06:30,298 I'm assuming that's your name for it, invented just now. 136 00:06:30,458 --> 00:06:31,877 Cecil! 137 00:06:31,878 --> 00:06:32,798 Oh, God, I need to go. 138 00:06:33,338 --> 00:06:35,237 Back to facilitating slaughter. 139 00:06:35,238 --> 00:06:39,097 Just... Yes, I am facilitating it and I bloody love it. 140 00:06:39,098 --> 00:06:40,357 Well, I don't. 141 00:06:40,358 --> 00:06:41,918 At least I'm following through on my beliefs, George. 142 00:06:41,958 --> 00:06:44,837 You're not doing anything. I'm not being violent, that's the point. 143 00:06:44,838 --> 00:06:46,137 It's about what I'm not doing. 144 00:06:46,138 --> 00:06:47,358 I wish you were not talking. 145 00:06:47,398 --> 00:06:48,958 Can that be brought into the mix? I'd get behind that. 146 00:06:49,018 --> 00:06:52,037 Or not sleeping. Why would I do that? Don't know, really. 147 00:06:52,038 --> 00:06:55,078 Just be interesting to see how long you could go without sleeping, I suppose. 148 00:06:55,098 --> 00:06:56,858 My record's five and a half hours. 149 00:07:16,358 --> 00:07:18,138 Enjoying the music, Cecil? 150 00:07:18,218 --> 00:07:19,877 It's alright. Is it? 151 00:07:19,878 --> 00:07:22,438 Nice to have some music while I work, I suppose. 152 00:07:22,618 --> 00:07:25,498 Is it?! So the music is helping your war work. 153 00:07:25,638 --> 00:07:28,857 And how would you react if I told to you that this music currently 154 00:07:28,858 --> 00:07:30,758 playing is in fact Beethoven? 155 00:07:31,898 --> 00:07:34,118 Who is German, Bert. 156 00:07:34,158 --> 00:07:36,037 Sorry, George. What's the significance of the...? 157 00:07:36,038 --> 00:07:38,078 The war is against Germany, Bert. There's a war on, Bert. 158 00:07:38,138 --> 00:07:40,658 Course it is, yes. Good old Beethoven. 159 00:07:40,858 --> 00:07:45,317 No shortage of opinions about Beethoven. What a bloody good... 160 00:07:45,318 --> 00:07:48,537 Man. Man he... is? 161 00:07:48,538 --> 00:07:49,977 Was. Is. 162 00:07:49,978 --> 00:07:51,878 But, yes, the war is awful, isn't it, Cecil, 163 00:07:52,058 --> 00:07:53,637 but I can see the point in it, George. 164 00:07:53,638 --> 00:07:55,978 Yes, you've got our opinions the wrong way round but thank 165 00:07:56,038 --> 00:07:59,418 you for being, as ever, totally open-minded on all possible issues. 166 00:07:59,578 --> 00:08:02,138 The point is, Cecil, I have challenged your perverse hatred 167 00:08:02,298 --> 00:08:03,577 of all things German, 168 00:08:03,578 --> 00:08:06,917 and that is why the music is staying on and playing right to the end. 169 00:08:06,918 --> 00:08:08,958 Can you turn it down a bit? I'll turn it down a bit. 170 00:08:09,018 --> 00:08:10,238 It's still on, is the important thing. 171 00:08:10,298 --> 00:08:13,177 Turn it off, actually. I'll pop it off, but you take my point. 172 00:08:13,178 --> 00:08:15,578 The second movement's considerably worse actually. 173 00:08:15,658 --> 00:08:16,858 It's a real damp squib. 174 00:08:17,018 --> 00:08:20,217 Shut up, George. Shut up, mate. I want total silence for this. 175 00:08:20,218 --> 00:08:22,137 Cecil, stand up. What? 176 00:08:22,138 --> 00:08:23,718 Stand there. What's happening? 177 00:08:23,798 --> 00:08:25,658 I wasn't quite sure how to put this. 178 00:08:25,818 --> 00:08:28,858 I know you've been rolling with the gals from Freak Corner recently 179 00:08:28,998 --> 00:08:32,057 but I wanted to remind you what you have waiting for you here at home. 180 00:08:32,058 --> 00:08:33,458 A coward and a moron. 181 00:08:33,658 --> 00:08:35,097 Here we go. 182 00:08:35,098 --> 00:08:37,299 You should come with a warning, mate, you're that sharp. 183 00:08:37,338 --> 00:08:39,558 Nah, give an old man a break. 184 00:08:39,578 --> 00:08:42,138 You two are the first real friends I've had. 185 00:08:42,198 --> 00:08:45,337 Mmm. Well, yes, I suppose George is your friend. 186 00:08:45,338 --> 00:08:47,358 Ooh, no, no, you're both my very close friends. Well... 187 00:08:47,398 --> 00:08:50,098 I was surprised by the feeling I have towards you 188 00:08:50,178 --> 00:08:51,858 and I didn't know what to call it at first. 189 00:08:51,878 --> 00:08:54,118 It's probably nothing. I'd actually ignore that feeling. 190 00:08:54,178 --> 00:08:57,338 In fact, the only way to explain it is by recourse to that beautiful word. 191 00:08:57,418 --> 00:08:59,717 Oh, no. Love. Oh, Jesus. 192 00:08:59,718 --> 00:09:01,817 I'm in powerful, constant love with both of you. 193 00:09:01,818 --> 00:09:03,558 Bert, just 100% shut up. 194 00:09:03,738 --> 00:09:05,178 It is love, I can tell no lie. 195 00:09:05,318 --> 00:09:08,057 No, it's not quite the same love I feel for a woman. 196 00:09:08,058 --> 00:09:08,858 George, help. 197 00:09:08,918 --> 00:09:11,257 Actually, Cecil, there is nothing new about this sort of thing. 198 00:09:11,258 --> 00:09:13,637 The Ancient Greeks referred to six different sorts of love. 199 00:09:13,638 --> 00:09:15,698 Sure, there's erotic love. Aaaah. 200 00:09:15,878 --> 00:09:17,498 But there's also enduring affection 201 00:09:17,638 --> 00:09:19,417 and I think it's that which Bert is feeling. 202 00:09:19,418 --> 00:09:20,377 It's a mixture. 203 00:09:20,378 --> 00:09:23,718 Anyway you're a great pal, and it'd be a pretty poor show from me if 204 00:09:23,738 --> 00:09:26,758 I didn't stump up for a well-timed gift for my bunged-up buddy. 205 00:09:28,858 --> 00:09:31,257 I don't want a gift from you. It's a handkerchief! 206 00:09:31,258 --> 00:09:34,277 Hmmm, that's annoying. I do need a handkerchief. 207 00:09:34,278 --> 00:09:36,678 If it was anything else, I'd definitely reject it. 208 00:09:36,758 --> 00:09:38,518 Check out the lettering. 209 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:41,477 Specially made. Thought it could be the group motto. 210 00:09:41,478 --> 00:09:43,058 "Taking it easy, 1914"? 211 00:09:43,218 --> 00:09:46,398 Yeah. "Takin' it easy...1914." 212 00:09:46,598 --> 00:09:48,677 Have you lost your mind? 213 00:09:48,678 --> 00:09:51,897 It's a poorly-chosen motto, Bert, quite frankly. 214 00:09:51,898 --> 00:09:53,818 Think of it as a reminder of our time together. 215 00:09:53,878 --> 00:09:55,897 I don't want a reminder of our time together! 216 00:09:55,898 --> 00:09:59,257 What I'd really like is to perform some process on my own brain whereby 217 00:09:59,258 --> 00:10:02,598 any record of your existence is permanently wrenched from my memory. 218 00:10:02,658 --> 00:10:04,037 Well, maybe that's something we can do together. 219 00:10:04,038 --> 00:10:06,598 No, Bert, tell me something that doesn't involve you, 220 00:10:06,778 --> 00:10:08,218 that's what I want to do. 221 00:10:08,298 --> 00:10:09,477 I could watch you read. 222 00:10:09,478 --> 00:10:10,938 Bert! Explain the idea again. 223 00:10:11,078 --> 00:10:13,658 Just go somewhere else for a bit. OK. 224 00:10:15,738 --> 00:10:17,618 You coming, or...? No! 225 00:10:17,798 --> 00:10:19,258 Have a pleasant evening. 226 00:10:26,698 --> 00:10:28,218 I come bearing gifts. 227 00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:30,298 I've been doing some sewing of my own, 228 00:10:30,438 --> 00:10:32,198 independent of the Needlework Guild. 229 00:10:32,378 --> 00:10:34,938 Sorry, Freak Corner. Sorry, Needlework Guild. 230 00:10:34,998 --> 00:10:38,597 Is that the sort of thing you're looking for as regards a sock? 231 00:10:38,598 --> 00:10:40,357 I've gone for a very classic design. 232 00:10:40,358 --> 00:10:42,757 There's a space inside for the foot and a hole at one end 233 00:10:42,758 --> 00:10:44,377 so the leg can get out. 234 00:10:44,378 --> 00:10:47,078 Bert, if you want to have sex with me, just ask. 235 00:10:50,698 --> 00:10:52,698 Fine. If you won't ask me, I'll ask you. 236 00:10:52,778 --> 00:10:53,998 Will you have sex with me? 237 00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:58,518 Ow! What are you doing? 238 00:10:58,578 --> 00:11:00,538 Sorry, just checking I'm still conscious. 239 00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:02,138 It's not a big deal, Bert. 240 00:11:02,178 --> 00:11:04,857 It just hadn't occurred to me the soldiers would be away for so long. 241 00:11:04,858 --> 00:11:06,457 I hope to have children one day, and since, 242 00:11:06,458 --> 00:11:08,318 if I don't have regular coitus I will become infertile... 243 00:11:08,378 --> 00:11:09,958 Is that true? I'm not sure whether... 244 00:11:10,018 --> 00:11:11,097 But then why take the chance? 245 00:11:11,098 --> 00:11:12,358 And since you're the only man in the village 246 00:11:12,518 --> 00:11:13,978 who isn't either engaged or my brother... 247 00:11:14,118 --> 00:11:16,517 Thank you... it's unfortunately the obvious solution. 248 00:11:16,518 --> 00:11:18,457 My proposition is that we have regular intercourse, 249 00:11:18,458 --> 00:11:21,658 with no obligation to cultivate a relationship or even talk to each other. 250 00:11:23,318 --> 00:11:26,678 You're definitely conscious, Bert. We're both conscious, regrettably. 251 00:11:26,718 --> 00:11:28,538 And it's definitely the deal that we have sex 252 00:11:28,598 --> 00:11:30,597 and don't have conversations, rather than the other way round, 253 00:11:30,598 --> 00:11:33,158 because I have made that mistake before. No, that's it. 254 00:11:33,318 --> 00:11:36,378 Right. Well, I'm just going to say yes at this stage, then possibly 255 00:11:36,518 --> 00:11:39,078 once more in the fire, just to check, and then home to celebrate. 256 00:11:39,258 --> 00:11:41,818 I will need something on the table straight away. 257 00:11:41,938 --> 00:11:42,938 What now? 258 00:11:44,038 --> 00:11:45,318 Crikey. 259 00:11:45,478 --> 00:11:48,058 Right. Well, shall we... get set up? 260 00:11:48,198 --> 00:11:50,298 Don't take your clothes off in front of me. 261 00:11:50,378 --> 00:11:51,877 Right. 262 00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:55,318 I will need to remove a couple of items just to clear a path. 263 00:11:55,378 --> 00:11:57,178 Go in the other room and close the curtains. 264 00:11:57,258 --> 00:11:59,578 Right-o! And will I light a candle? 265 00:11:59,718 --> 00:12:03,218 No, Bert, the aim is to make the room as dark as is humanly possible. 266 00:12:03,418 --> 00:12:06,578 Who needs eyes when you've got hands? 267 00:12:06,778 --> 00:12:07,558 Oh, God. 268 00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:22,200 Winky, my tie, is it too much? 269 00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:24,139 What? The knot. 270 00:12:24,140 --> 00:12:25,780 God, it's too much, isn't it, too obvious? 271 00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:27,639 Um, George, have you seen my...? 272 00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:29,559 I can wear it like this if I want to. 273 00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:30,999 What are you talking about? 274 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,099 I'm talking about my tie. How can you not notice? 275 00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:36,300 I've tied it in a German knot. Der Flomsgemeinre. 276 00:12:36,460 --> 00:12:38,519 Yep, I can't tell the difference. 277 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:39,980 Are you bloody joking? 278 00:12:40,140 --> 00:12:41,719 It's completely different. 279 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:45,239 Look at it - two interlocking strands, fastened at the neck, 280 00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:47,819 and then extending down the body to the belly button. 281 00:12:47,820 --> 00:12:49,259 That's what a tie is, mate. 282 00:12:49,260 --> 00:12:50,800 Stick your head in the sand if you like, Cecil. 283 00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:52,700 I'm sending a message to the people of Rittle. 284 00:12:52,780 --> 00:12:55,501 No, you're sending a dirty letter, from your fiancee, to another man. 285 00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:56,900 In fact, allow me. 286 00:12:58,060 --> 00:13:00,920 I'm shaking things up, Cecil. Getting under people's skin. 287 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:03,800 And let me tell you, there's plenty more to come. 288 00:13:03,980 --> 00:13:07,159 Oh, no. What will he do next? Catch German measles? 289 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:11,180 Attend a beer festival? Eat some fondue? 290 00:13:11,260 --> 00:13:12,460 Well, that's Swiss. 291 00:13:14,060 --> 00:13:16,139 Yeah, I'm sure you can get fondue in Germany, George. 292 00:13:16,140 --> 00:13:19,020 You made a mistake about the fondue, Cecil, deal with it. 293 00:13:22,060 --> 00:13:24,460 That's your pen. Don't care. 294 00:13:24,620 --> 00:13:26,199 He's got a bloody nerve. 295 00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:28,140 To stand there and insult a man in front of his wife. 296 00:13:28,220 --> 00:13:29,900 Fiancee, I'm not your wife. 297 00:13:31,180 --> 00:13:32,780 Yet. 298 00:13:32,860 --> 00:13:34,220 Mm. 299 00:13:34,300 --> 00:13:36,840 Winky, I said "yet." 300 00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:38,520 I heard you, George. 301 00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:49,739 Looking good. 302 00:13:49,740 --> 00:13:52,119 That should keep us all warm. 303 00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:55,000 Yeah, because we're all so cold. 304 00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:56,759 Might be a bit cold later. 305 00:13:56,760 --> 00:14:00,599 Oh, what, you're in charge of "later"? 306 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:03,179 Heard you joined the Needlework Guild. 307 00:14:03,180 --> 00:14:05,080 Yeah, yeah, I did. 308 00:14:05,220 --> 00:14:07,340 You're still a piece of shit. 309 00:14:07,420 --> 00:14:09,260 Well done, though, for doing that. 310 00:14:09,300 --> 00:14:10,700 Ah, thanks. 311 00:14:10,780 --> 00:14:12,780 You are still a piece of shit though. 312 00:14:32,460 --> 00:14:34,379 Who was that addressed to? 313 00:14:34,380 --> 00:14:35,340 What? 314 00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:37,560 That letter you just sneezed into and then posted. 315 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:40,299 Who was it addressed to? Oh, um... some soldier. 316 00:14:40,300 --> 00:14:41,559 A soldier? 317 00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:43,480 Why didn't you use your handkerchief? 318 00:14:43,660 --> 00:14:45,420 You're deliberately infecting our army. 319 00:14:45,500 --> 00:14:47,180 Well, that's insane. 320 00:14:47,340 --> 00:14:48,300 What's going on? 321 00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:52,840 Cecil Mowbray sneezed into an envelope then sent it to the front. 322 00:14:52,900 --> 00:14:54,840 Why didn't you use your handkerchief? 323 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,760 There's a problem with the handkerchief. 324 00:14:56,940 --> 00:14:57,880 What problem? 325 00:14:58,060 --> 00:14:59,980 I can't really say. 326 00:15:12,300 --> 00:15:15,500 You're making it sound like it's my fault you didn't use your handkerchief. 327 00:15:15,580 --> 00:15:18,059 It was your fault. You're just... 328 00:15:18,060 --> 00:15:19,660 You're like gas, Bert, 329 00:15:19,820 --> 00:15:22,380 you sneak under every crevice, and you poison everything. 330 00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:25,040 What are you doing in there, George? Just making room for something. 331 00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:27,180 What have you done now? Bought a German Shepherd? 332 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:29,579 Ha! Bravo, Cecil! That's priceless. 333 00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:31,820 Shut up, Bert. I've stolen a bomb. 334 00:15:31,980 --> 00:15:33,580 Son of a bitch. Holy crap. 335 00:15:35,780 --> 00:15:38,040 Skipped work. Walked to Frew. Stole a bomb. 336 00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:39,499 Don't say I don't do stuff. 337 00:15:39,500 --> 00:15:40,619 We're going to die! 338 00:15:40,620 --> 00:15:43,080 Now, I'd be happy to answer any remaining questions 339 00:15:43,140 --> 00:15:45,080 you have about how seriously I take my beliefs. 340 00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:46,460 I haven't finished my novel yet, 341 00:15:46,540 --> 00:15:48,279 or seriously considered even writing one! 342 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:51,020 Gentle George ain't exactly the posing posy you thought he was, huh? 343 00:15:51,060 --> 00:15:52,939 Furball's grown a pair of horns all of a sudden. 344 00:15:52,940 --> 00:15:54,600 How do you like it when I do this? 345 00:15:54,740 --> 00:15:56,760 No, George. 346 00:15:56,940 --> 00:15:57,900 Please, George. 347 00:15:58,060 --> 00:16:01,580 Put your nappies back on, boys. Turns out I'm a little more on top of this stuff, than... 348 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:04,780 That's alright. Didn't blow. Don't worry, it's perfectly safe. 349 00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:06,059 Oh, God! Blasphemy, Bert, come on. 350 00:16:06,060 --> 00:16:07,660 Murderous, traitorous God! Curse you! 351 00:16:07,820 --> 00:16:09,879 Alright, Bert, rein it in. I'll kill you God! 352 00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:12,439 I'll rip your smug head off your horrid body! Bert, get a grip! 353 00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:14,699 If it bothers you that much, I can get rid of it tomorrow morning. 354 00:16:14,700 --> 00:16:16,440 I'm not sleeping in the same house as that. 355 00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:20,300 Cecil, I walked with this baby for two miles through Frew woods and it didn't explode once. 356 00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:21,899 You could take it to bed with you if you wanted. 357 00:16:21,900 --> 00:16:23,979 Oh, what, how come he gets to? 358 00:16:23,980 --> 00:16:25,399 You've changed your tune, Bert! 359 00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,120 Yeah, George has convinced me, to be honest. 360 00:16:27,180 --> 00:16:29,400 If it was gonna explode, it would have done it already. 361 00:16:29,420 --> 00:16:30,580 It probably won't go off now. 362 00:16:30,620 --> 00:16:32,360 Yep. It would be nice to live in a house where there was 363 00:16:32,420 --> 00:16:34,840 a 100% chance of not getting blown up by a bomb, rather than, 364 00:16:35,020 --> 00:16:37,420 say, a 96% chance, but... Bert! 365 00:16:37,500 --> 00:16:40,140 Hello, Mr Bomb, anyone in there? 366 00:16:45,740 --> 00:16:48,860 Deary me, not a great bomb, all told. It's a dud. 367 00:16:51,100 --> 00:16:52,619 Well, that's a disgrace. 368 00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:55,019 Are these the sort of bombs we're supplying to our soldiers? 369 00:16:55,020 --> 00:16:58,380 That's exactly the sort of shoddy workmanship I've come to expect from the village of Frew. 370 00:16:58,540 --> 00:17:00,680 I do not understand your issue with Frew, Cecil. 371 00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:02,539 It's the worst place on the face of the earth. 372 00:17:02,540 --> 00:17:05,540 You watch the sun set over Frew chapel and get back to me on that one, mate. 373 00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:07,480 Chaps, where do you think this bomb would work best? 374 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,099 Definitely keeping it then. 375 00:17:09,100 --> 00:17:11,019 I just think if it was well-placed, it might freshen up the lounge. 376 00:17:11,020 --> 00:17:13,259 I mean, if we thought of this room more as a... 377 00:17:13,260 --> 00:17:14,860 More as a bomb room. Well... 378 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:18,700 It actually really matches those drapes, Cecil. Just saying. 379 00:17:20,780 --> 00:17:22,540 I finally get those drapes now. 380 00:17:28,620 --> 00:17:32,120 Cecil Mowbray, prepare to burn! 381 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:36,780 Here we go. Show-time. 382 00:17:38,780 --> 00:17:41,079 Devour him in flames! 383 00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:43,000 Bit of a weird atmosphere, if I'm honest. 384 00:17:45,100 --> 00:17:46,220 You're evil! 385 00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:55,319 Can you believe Hesta had the nerve to ask me 386 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:57,200 to give her some of your clothes to use on the Guy? 387 00:17:57,240 --> 00:17:58,999 Thanks for not giving her any. 388 00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:00,280 You're welcome. 389 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:03,760 Did you actually give her some? 390 00:18:03,820 --> 00:18:07,019 Yeah, but only the bare minimum. Shirt, pair of trousers, underpants. 391 00:18:07,020 --> 00:18:08,140 Underpants? And a vest. 392 00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:09,419 Not all of that visible, obviously. 393 00:18:09,420 --> 00:18:12,620 Oh, well, maybe my wardrobe needed an overhaul anyway. 394 00:18:13,100 --> 00:18:14,600 Is that my watch? 395 00:18:14,660 --> 00:18:17,899 You're lucky you're not up there yourself, mate. 396 00:18:17,900 --> 00:18:19,340 That's your honest opinion, is it? 397 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:22,220 You honestly think I should be burning to death on top of a fire? 398 00:18:22,380 --> 00:18:24,299 I won't speak ill of our present government 399 00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:26,320 but there was a time when it was done - 400 00:18:26,420 --> 00:18:27,800 a golden time - 401 00:18:27,980 --> 00:18:30,380 and there's not a moment that goes by I don't 402 00:18:30,540 --> 00:18:35,020 yearn for a return of those days with every fibre of my being. 403 00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:37,559 Bloody hell. 404 00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:39,160 I used to play badminton with her. 405 00:18:39,340 --> 00:18:40,920 Yeah, you were shit. 406 00:18:47,340 --> 00:18:48,279 And we all sing - 407 00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:51,820 ? Remember! Remember! Bon Fawkes night! ? 408 00:18:51,900 --> 00:18:53,559 Agnes, my lily-flower. 409 00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:56,119 Don't call me that. While you're here though, listen. 410 00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:58,380 I've decided that for me - for any woman - 411 00:18:58,500 --> 00:19:00,620 to indulge herself while the men are away, is wrong. 412 00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:03,320 We've all committed to not having sex until the war is over. 413 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,480 Sorry, I had a flash of excruciating pain and everything went dark. 414 00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:09,060 I've lost where we were slightly. 415 00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:11,160 The women are abstaining from sex to show solidarity 416 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:12,299 with our fighting men. 417 00:19:12,300 --> 00:19:15,000 Rittle will be chaste and pure until the soldiers return. 418 00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:17,240 So I've got to wait till the soldiers get back to have sex with you? 419 00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:19,480 No, I've got to the wait till the soldiers get back to have sex 420 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:20,620 with one of the soldiers. 421 00:19:20,780 --> 00:19:24,600 For you, sex is off the cards for the foreseeable future. 422 00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:26,860 Gracie around or...? Can't see that happening, Bert. 423 00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:28,459 All my friends all feel the same way as me. 424 00:19:28,460 --> 00:19:30,699 You're friends with everyone and control what they think, do you? 425 00:19:30,700 --> 00:19:32,300 Last time I checked. 426 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:39,960 Water, water everywhere and no sex for Bert. 427 00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:50,700 Was it really necessary to make a spare? 428 00:19:50,780 --> 00:19:53,080 One for burning, one for beating. 429 00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:56,279 Oh, second Guy, eh? Very profesh. 430 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,820 Something for the latecomers. Join in, boys. 431 00:19:58,900 --> 00:20:00,459 Oh, Cecil, can I? 432 00:20:00,460 --> 00:20:01,560 If you must. 433 00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:03,140 I'm staying out of this. 434 00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:05,260 I'm not beating myself up, not literally anyway. 435 00:20:24,300 --> 00:20:26,040 I am looking forward to this war being over.